Please, continue to regale newsfeeds with adorable pictures of your children! Proceed with updates begging friends to attend your band’s show or your community theater production. I look forward to hearing jokes and humorous musings about life. Seriously! Keep ‘em coming, Facebook friends! Isn't that why we participate in social media, to get updates on the interesting things that our friends do in their lives?
But before you post anything to social media, ask yourself “Is this update really worth sharing? Is it funny? Is it touching? Is it thought-provoking?” If it adds nothing to the world’s dialogue, just don’t hit “send.” If you’re wondering about which kinds of posts fall into this category of worthlessness, here’s a start.
Pictures of Duckface
There are other facial expressions—find one that looks nice on you and practice it. Might we suggest a smile?
Random Boring Updates
“Just taking a nap!” “About to cook dinner!” “Running to the grocery store…” Cool story, bro.
There’s no way to read these without getting the feeling that somewhere on your friends list is someone who understands the deep, meaningful significance of these lyrics…but I am not that person.
Bashing Your Spouse or Ex
Tacky, tacky. Social media is for making other people think our lives are better than theirs, not worse, remember?
Gross Pics of Your Kids
If it came out of your kids, or a kid is coming out of you, we don’t want to see it.
Awesome that you just crushed a 24-mile workout with Nike+! I’ll be sure to send a tweet next time I accomplish something important, such as eating an entire box of Girl Scout cookies.
Bashing Something Everyone Else Loves
Different strokes for different folks and all, but if you really hate something that the rest of the country has agreed is delightful—Mad Men, Easter candy, Ryan Gosling—keep it to yourself. A) Nobody needs your negativity, and B) Maybe it’s not us, it’s you.
Dozens of Pictures of Scenery
You went on vacation? Super! You took a picture of a sunset? Fantastic! You're not Ansel Adams. One will do.
We get it—being a mom is awesome/hard/impossible/exhilarating/tiring/better than anything else ever. Please refrain from posting dumb status updates reiterating this point. You don’t have to “Like” a post to prove to me that you love your kids.