When a relationship ends, we like there to be a Winner and a Loser. The Winner goes on to generally rock at life, while the loser wallows in self-pity, eventually writing bad poetry and getting heavily into reiki and the Landmark Forum. Or so we like to think.
And there are super-simple ways to tell whether you’ve won your breakup or lost it. Demonstrated by Marnie on Girls, measure yourself and your ex in these five key areas of life achievement.
“How’s your career going?”
Charlie: Just had his app bought by a big-time tech company, a do-not-call app he created in order to help himself get over Marnie. “The software is free,” he says. “But breaking your word to yourself costs 10 bucks.” Now he’s a tech magnate in training, overseeing 11 employees in an office where most of the people seem to spend all day creating YouTube videos.
Marnie: Working as a hostess in a club for dirty old men, wearing a uniform described by Ray as that of a “magician’s assistant.” But you’re thinking of getting into singing, so that’s cool.
“How’s your love life?”
Charlie: Dating someone new. Sure, she’s a headband-wearing hipster who makes artisanal mustard for a living, but it’s a job in a growth industry.
Marnie: Had half-sex with a gay man, then thought she was dating a famous artist, although it turns out the artist wasn’t dating her; he was just employing her as a hostess while also enjoying banging her.
“How’d you handle not having your ex around?”
Charlie: Was sad for a while, then channeled his unhappiness into professional ambition while also putting himself out there romantically. Visits mutual friends when it’s appropriate.
Marnie: Occasionally shows up at his home in the middle of the night or workplace during the day, all uninvited. Wears pigtails to do it.
“Are you happy for your ex?”
Charlie: Happy that Marnie isn’t showing up at his house anymore, but otherwise wishes her well in all her endeavors—hostessing, singing, etc.
Marnie: “I thought he was going to be broken for like, six years. I mentally budgeted six years of brokenness. He’s not broken at all! And it just proves to me that it doesn’t matter how right you do things, because you know who gets to live their dreams? Sad messes like Charlie. And the people who ended up flailing behind are people like me, who have their shit together!”
“How shiny is your hair these days?”
Charlie: Marginally shiny.
Marnie: Very shiny.