Peeps—Your iPod is full of Taylor Swift and the Glee soundtrack. You sometimes feel the need to go to clubs on the weekend, “Because you just have to dance!” You keep a Pinterest board full of wedding inspiration, despite not being engaged. You would never microwave your Peeps, because then their cute little faces would get deformed and that would be sad.

Cadbury Crème Eggs—You own multiple fur coats and heels so high that you need the arm of a strong man to steady you as you exit limousines. You once fluttered your eyelashes at a party and ended up being whisked away to Sardinia on a private jet. You drink only the finest liquor and sleep on only the finest sheets. You turn down any chocolate product that’s made in America, but you do it in a tactful way, because you have Class. You once tried the Cadbury Crème Egg McFlurry at a McDonald’s in South London, but you didn’t tell any of your friends because you thought it made you look trashy.

Cadbury Mini Eggs—You are the keeper of a great, deep secret—there is no candy superior to the Cadbury Mini Egg. Chocolate with a crispy candy shell, it is mouth-melting and delicious. All year you save your money, and when Easter season rolls around, you buy as many bags as you can. Then you slowly, methodically, eat five eggs per day, no more and no less. You are fastidious in dress and hygiene, and you pay your bills on time.

Giant Chocolate Bunnies—As a child, psychologists an teachers warned your parents that you were exhibiting symptoms of the emotionally disturbed. They channeled these homicidal impulses into chocolate rabbits, whose heads you could remove and chomp on with glee. Now you prefer all your candy to have a head and eyes, preferably made out of sugar. Your other favorite food group is meat.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs—When co-workers bring candy and cookies into the office, you’re the only person who doesn’t make excuses about being “on a diet.” You grab a whole cookie without apology. You know that the ratio of peanut butter to chocolate in a seasonal Reese’s treat is one of life’s greatest pleasures, and you’ll be damned if you’re going to deny yourself. You eat hard, work hard, and play hard. You love hard. You participate in extreme sports like base jumping and spelunking. You have a tattoo that says #YOLO.

Regular Candy with an Easter Wrapper—Some days you can barely get out of bed, the weight of the word oppresses you so. Decisions? Meh. The easiest thing to pick is everyday candy; what’s familiar and comfortable. Except now it’s pastel and/or in an egg shape. That’s good enough. M&M’s, Hershey’s kisses, Butterfingers. Whatever. It’s just so, so, so hard. Do you wish you were dead? Sometimes.

Jelly Beans—As you drive along the highway to your nondescript job, the sounds of Now That’s What I Call Music! Blare in the background. Your khaki pants and collared shirt wave briskly in the breeze as you greet your 2.5 children and your husband who has a job as an insurance salesman. One day you dream of adding on a fourth bedroom to your split-level house, but for now you just content yourself to re-paper the bathroom. You enjoy activities such as laughing at salad, smiling at babies, and standing in large, racially diverse circles. You are a stock photograph character.

Pez—This time of year really tempts your addictive tendencies. How easy would it be to crush up a Pez? Pretty easy, you think. You could get the powder so very fine, and it would be a nice pastel color. You wonder if anyone has ever snorted pure sugar…would it hurt? Would it taste good? Would it turn your nose different colors? Every day the desire to find out gets stronger and stronger.